


Get Fucked Stud

by somanygayships



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Domestic Violence, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Gay, Getting Together, Healing Sirius Black, Hogwarts Sixth Year, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sad Remus Lupin, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, This fic has been done a thousand times, Unrequited Love, but not really, get fucked stud by biffy clyro, i cant fit it into my timeline, im doing it again, im projecting onto lily leave me be, its referenced, only slightly, remus with piercings, remus with tattoos, sorry - Freeform, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:02:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29546271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanygayships/pseuds/somanygayships
Summary: Remus Lupin has spent his summer hiding from his father after the death of his mother, a death he is responsible for. Long nights surrounded by people who don't care for him haven't helped and he isn't so sure he really wants to go back to Hogwarts and pretend to be happy.Sirius Black got away from his family, though he wasn't given much of a choice, and arrived at the Potters slightly worse for wear.But neither of them were free. Can Remus control the fluctuation in anger and incomparable sadness? Can Sirius hide the nightmares and painful flashbacks of what he endured over summer?Or will they need eachother to heal?disclaimer - i do not support jkr or any of her viewsA Sirius/Remus get together fic starting at the beginning of their sixth year. Slight diversions in that Sirius ran away a year later than Canon.Tags to be added as updated ;)
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 25





	1. my distorted smile will tighten its grip

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write wolfstar for forever and couldn't resist any longer. 
> 
> The plot is loosely based on Biffy Clyro's 'Get Fucked Stud' (hence the title), and everyone should go listen to them. 
> 
> Hoping for a couple of updates a week but times are unpredictable (I do have most of it planned though so hopes up).
> 
> Kudos and comments make me thrive, I love you all, carry on being gay ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for domestic abuse reference and homophobic language

Sirius Black had been in love with his best friend since the moment he realised how brave Remus Lupin really was. Since the morning he took the invisibility cloak from under James’ mattress to sneak into the hospital wing to visit their reclusive roommate who was supposed to be suffering from a nasty case of mumblemumps, but found him covered in fresh scars and a battlement of bruises over his body. Sirius Black had always been particularly perceptive.

He hadn’t been actively aware of how he felt about Remus, however, for a very long time - because in complete honesty Sirius was a little in love with all the marauders. James Potter was the first person to ever see him as himself rather than just another posh pureblood twat - though he definitely didn’t help escape that impression, and Peter Pettigrew knew how to say the right things at the right time to make Sirius’ dark moods just that little bit easier. 

So when he felt the tightening in his chest whenever he hugged him. And how he felt as if the lopsided, mischievous smile that only shone behind the closed doors of their dorm could rid the world of all its evil bullshit - who was Sirius to think that it was any more than the strictly platonic over-protectiveness that comes with being bestfriends with a werewolf?

Sirius had not even realised he wasn’t the biggest fan of women until the summer of ‘76 after their 5th year. So perhaps he wasn’t all that perceptive afterall.

But he was sure, more so than he could ever remember being in his entire life - and Sirius Black believed he was right about most things - that the last time he’d seen his Moony that he’d still been that lanky prefect with a stick up his ass about following the rules and sucking up to Minnie as if his life depended on it. 

Something had definitely changed with that Remus over the last two months.

***

For the first time in almost five years, Remus didn’t want to get onto the train platform to return to Hogwarts.

He didn’t want to see the other marauders smile at him and ask how his summer was. He didn’t want Lily to talk at him about prefect duties. But mostly, he didn’t think could stand the pity and concern and curiosity that people will give him when they see his delightful new array of keloidal disfigurement. Granted, he’s able to hide the vast majority under layers of clothes.

But he’s seen the looks shared between Peter, James, and Sirius in the hospital wing after a nasty full moon and things have visibly worsened over summer.

It definitely doesn’t help that his father refused to acknowledge Remus’ existence, much less help heal him, after he killed her. And he’s never been any good at potions himself.

Remus bristles at the thought of that morning in July, he’s spent almost two months trying to purge that scene from his head, but the pain of it inhabits his brain in a constant cycle of a numbing ache and stabbing convulsions of grief. The memory of both of them lying on the floor - Remus rapidly losing consciousness in a puddle of his own blood, and the hitches in his mother’s breath as she pleaded with Lyall to “help Remi, please”. 

Unconsciously skimming the words marked onto his collarbone, he shakes himself of his stupor and pushes his way through the barriers to platform 9¾, which is - as usual - humming with the overflow of young wizards and their frantic parents. He wishes the sight of the Hogwarts Express didn’t bring him as much relief as it did, but being stuck in a village surrounded by no one who truly cared for him had been more difficult than he could have imagined, a feeling he had not expected to endure before returning to Wales in June.

“You beautiful bastard.” A voice along the platform called. Remus skimmed the sea of heads and hats for the mess of hair he knew belonged to that voice. When he had spotted him, James gestured him over to a group waiting by a currently empty train compartment.

He let out a shaky sigh before pushing his way towards James’ family and an apparently bewildered Sirius Black who’s eyes had not left Remus’ since he’d looked over.

Remus furrowed his brow in a questioning look at the shorter boy but lost his train of thought by a pounding on his arm. He flinched and tried to stifle the grimace before the other two caught it but by the concerned look on Sirius’ face, it was clear he had.

“We’ve been writing to you all summer you arsehole,” scolded James. “Did our Moony become too much of a stud to owl his bestfriends, huh? Or do you just like making padfoot worry?”

“Me?” argued Sirius, brought out of his reverie. “I think I’ve heard enough whinging about Moon’s absence to last me a lifetime.”

“Only because you’ve been sulking like a lost puppy all summer”, countered James.

Remus interrupted what looked like a nasty remark from Sirius. “All summer,” he repeated slowly. “Have I missed something here?” He said, looking slowly from Sirius’ glaring face to James’ exasperated one - apparently directed at him.

“Well if you’d responded to our letters, we might have been able to fill you in on pad’s eventful summer.” James said, through gritted teeth.

Remus’ face contorted at the change in James’ tone. “I didn’t get any letters you twat, I would have responded if I did. And we don’t have our own owl”, he retorted, matching the other’s glare with one of his own.

James immediately softened, “Sorry mate, I knew it wasn’t on purpose. But why didn’t you get my owls? We wrote every week. And what’s with that, huh?” He said, gesturing towards Remus’ mouth, where he’d been worrying a loop of metal through his lip.

Remus hesitated, how was he supposed to explain that Lyall had forbidden him from talking to his friends, because ‘they shouldn’t have to associate with a monster like you’. “I guess I spent a lot of time out of the house, and dad doesn’t like owl post. He must've turned them away.” He grimaced at the excuse but James seemed to take it. Always the mediator.

Sirius didn’t seem convinced, however, when Remus glanced over, catching the older boy’s eye as he mimicked his own questioning glance from earlier. He watched the other boy’s gaze flick down to his mouth and was about to open his mouth before being interrupted.

“We can fill you in later”, James rushed as his parents, who seemed to have had enough of the tense conversation, started herding the three boys onto the train.

“Where’s Pete?” Sirius questioned, turning and scanning the emptying platform as they loaded their trunks into the nearest compartment.

All three boys looked towards the platform’s barrier where a pudgy boy and an older woman had just come through, running towards the train.

“Pete, get a move on!” James yelled above the noise. Peter looked up at the voice and visibly relaxed at the sight of his three counterparts, making his way over, looking knackered.

As the group made their way onto the train, Remus contemplated walking away again. He hated how happy they were. He hated his father for grieving and his mother for dying. But he hated himself most for pretending everything was okay. 

His fingers itched for the joints he had stowed away in his trunk. He would have to make do with cigarettes for the journey, he couldn’t be arsed to deal with the inevitable firing of questions it would bring up.

When they had settled into their own carriage, directing greetings offhandedly as they passed somebody they recognised, Remus finally had a chance to look at each of his friends properly. He was surprised he hadn’t noticed before. Usually Sirius is the first thing he notices on the platform, checking to see if his bitch of a mother left him any worse for wear. 

Or just to look.

So Remus was surprised to realise that he had only just realised how drained Sirius looked. His usually bright eyes now had a sunken look to them, and his skin was paler than the usual pink that tended to brighten his face. Remus had spent enough time looking at Sirius to notice when something had changed.

A few minutes into the ride, Remus decided to break the some-what strained silence that had settled amongst them. “So,” he muttered, looked pointedly out of the window and away from the others, “what happened?”

The other three startled as Sirius barked out a laugh, and Remus was surprised to find him looking at him with such a bright, genuine smile. Sirius scooted along his seat until he was sitting closer to Remus, leaning forward to place a hand on the werewolf’s knee. Remus jumped, reacting to Sirius’ touch. “I did it Moony.” Sirius breathed, “I got out, ran away. I never have to see those arseholes again.”

Remus caught James glance over at Sirius with an exasperated look out of the corner of his eye. He looked at Peter, who was still watching Sirius with a small smile on his face. Catching James’ eye, he seemed to understand Remus’ unspoken question but again looked at Sirius warily, as if unsure of what he could say. Sirius smiled back at him.

“I mean, he’s got the definition of ‘running away’ completely wrong.” James paused, his face starting to match Peter’s small smirk. “But he’s not going back. Mum and Dad have made sure of it. But-” he stopped, giving Sirius a private, concerned look. Remus felt rather than saw the slight shake of Sirius’ head, his hair still hanging over Remus’ shoulders where his hand still gripped rather more tightly than it had been before. “Well. He’s with us now.”

Remus lifted his arm and slowly placed it over Sirius’ shoulders, aware of how the other boy seemed to stiffen because he shifted himself into Remus’ side and relaxed into the embrace. He murmured a soft “I’m so happy for you pads” before lifting his head to see Peter throwing James a slightly smug look.

He was about to question it before their compartment door slid open, hard enough to shake the glass, and an apparently irritated looking red-head appeared in the doorway. 

James’ head shot up, dropping his wand as he saw Lily looking around the carriage. She paused, taking in the embrace Remus still had Sirius locked in, raising her eyebrows minutely in Remus’ direction before seeming to remember why she was there.

“Remus John Lupin,” she hissed, pointing at him with her mint painted finger and a stern look on her face. “We have been waiting for you for half an hour and Professor Mcgonagall will tear me a new one if she finds out you weren’t there to help with the first years. Again.”

“Oh, fuck.” He jumped up, knocking Sirius back against the seat before turning to reach for his trunk, rifling through it for his robes and prefect badge. Once he’d thrown them on over his clothes and pinned on the bronze ‘P’ over his right pocket, he followed Lily through the door sending the boys a quick wave.

“Don’t start.” Remus grumbled, following Lily past the students milling along the train’s corridor.

“I didn’t say anything.” 

“Lily, I’m not stupid. It isn’t what it looked like.”

“So Black wasn’t curled up on your lap?”

“No.” He retorted with finality.

Lily shrugged her shoulders, and Remus breathed a quiet breath of relief through his nose, thinking the conversation was over. He should have known better when said conversation involved Lily Evans. Merlin knew she didn’t know how to mind her own.

“Did you see him again?” She murmured quietly, pushing her way past a group of mingling third years. He responded only with a look of confusion when she tilted her head back to look up at him.

She gave him a look of pure exasperation before continuing, “Ronan. You know, only the bloke who you planned to shag all summer.” 

He smirked, remembering the summer before fifth year, before remembering exactly the reason why he hadn’t seen Ronan this summer. He felt that all too familiar feeling of acidic torment rising in his throat and battled with himself to keep his face neutral. By the immediate drop of Lily’s growing grin, he guessed he hadn’t been particularly successful.

“Remus?” She reached to touch his arm and he felt the instinctive flinch flare through his body and he retreated quickly into a wall. 

“Lily, please lea- please just leave it.” He stuttered.

“Re, what happened to you?”

“Later. Please. Let’s just get this over with.” 

Opening the door to the end carriage they had reached, Remus caught Lily’s nod and walked in to an uncertain murmur of chatter coming from the coach’s passengers. They all turned to look at the two Gryffindor sixth years as they sat into the closest free seats to the door.

“Glad you finally decided to join us.” Emmeline Vance said pointedly at Remus, her blue-edged robes donning the gold-plated ‘Head Girl’ badge. He muttered a quick apology and looked down, feeling Lily’s studying gaze on the side of his face. 

Mentally, he readied himself for a very long year.

***

“So. Are we going to talk about it?” Pete spoke after Remus left the compartment. The other two looked over at him with questioning looks. He sighed and continued. “Remus?”

“What about him?” James asked.

“You’re not telling me you believe that bullshit excuse? Mr Lupin works for the ministry, of course he’s got a fucking owl. And Remus has told us about what there is to do in that village, nothing. He spends the summer with his mother. At home.” James and Sirius shared a conspiritory glance.

“Maybe they went away?” Sirius replied hesitantly.

Peter rolled his eyes at him. “Sometimes you can be really dense Pads,” he sighed before cutting off Sirius’ protests. “How would they be able to go anywhere? For one, the Lupins don’t have a lot of money. And two, Moony’s furry little problem seems to have slipped your mind. You know how Lyall feels about people seeing his scars, he would have kept him shut away like he does every summer.” He stopped, looking over at James.

“You did see it didn’t you?”

“The thing in his lip? I mean, yeah, it’s hard to miss Pete. Sirius certainly couldn’t keep his eyes off it.” He joked.

“Mate, it looks badass. Do you think I could get one over summer?”

James’ reply was interrupted by an irritated voice. “The scars!” Pete exclaimed, “When he was getting his trunk down, his jumper went up. They’re bad Prongs. We see them every month, even if it’s only briefly and the ones he’s got since summer are bad.”

“Pete,” James started, slowly. “You know he gets more if we aren’t there, he goes for himself.”

“I know that. But Remus has always told us that Lyall is as good as Madame Pomfrey at healing his wounds. It’s been days since the last full, they should be healed. And they aren’t.”

“Look Pete, if anything was wrong, he would tell us,” James started. Peter scoffed indignantly and muttered something that sounded an awful lot like ‘yeah right’ under his breath. “No, he’s better than he used to be Wormtail, I trust that if anything was really the matter he would tell us. But we’ll take him to the hospital wing after the feast just in case, alright?”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

“You’re a good mate Pete,” Sirius said, joining in the conversation. “But absolutely no more worrying about that. There is a feast in-” he paused, lifting his wrist dramatically to his face. “In approximately six hours. We must maintain our reputation as the greatest, most gorgeous, smarte-” but whatever he was going to say was halted by a well-timed horn-tongue hex from James.

“Bad dog.” James scolded before issuing the counter-curse. “We already planned it, we just need Re to figure out the solution for that little problem we have so no. We will be spending this time until the return of our dear brethren discussing my impending relationship to the beautiful Miss Evans” he raised his voice over the protests of Sirius and Peter, “Because now. Snivellus Snape has no authority.”

“Not that he did before, the slimy wanker.” Sirius barked. 

“Hello to you too Mr Black,” drawled a cold voice through the open compartment door. “Or, can we really call you that anymore? I heard mummy and daddy sent you away.” Sirius smirked at the owner of the voice.

“Speak of the devil. Surprised you know what a ‘dad’ is Snivellus, because last I heard, you don’t have one.”

Severus’ face contorted in anger. “You know nothing about me,” he snarled.

“Well, I for one,” joined James. “Know that Lily has been ignoring you all summer, and you’re down this end of the train to what? Corner her and beg for forgiveness, or throw slurs at her again?”

Snape’s face paled. “How did you- I wouldn’t-.” The three boys laughed at the horrified look on the slytherin’s face before James stood from his seat and walked to the door.

“I’d stay away from her if I were you,” he said quietly. “And please remove yourself from this carriage, we are going to need to fumigate it.” He placed a finger to Severus’ chest before nudging him into the corridor. Still laughing as he slid the door closed. 

It took a few minutes to recover from the fit of laughter that had seemed to come over the compartment, and when Sirius had recovered enough to speak he asked James, “how did you know that Lily had been writing to him?”

James smirked at them. “I didn’t.” He answered, shrugging. Causing the other two to snort.

***

Remus remained seated while the other prefects slowly trickled from the carriage to patrol the train. Though his plan was faulted when Lily, too, stayed next to him.

After waving bye to Emmeline and Billeus Weasley, the red-haired head boy, Lily turned slowly to him while he leaned back with his eyes closed against the wall. Feeling her gaze on him raised painful memories of his mother - a woman so like Lily in that she cared for others first, putting their wellbeing and happiness above even her own.

“Remus?” Lily breathed and he could feel himself shake his head whilst his eyes brimmed with tears. The way she spoke reminded him so much of how Hope would wait outside the cellar door after a full moon, talking to him softly while Lyall healed the worst of his injuries. 

Remus and Lyall Lupin would do anything to protect Hope. 

Until, of course, they couldn’t.

Lily seemed to be able to read Remus’ panic and started in a quick, soft tone. “You don’t have to tell me anything, okay? Just, please look at me.” And he did, because you couldn’t say no to Lily Evans, and on seeing the look of unfiltered and genuine care in her eyes, he reached out and hugged her - bringing her close to his chest and breathing a shaky breath into her hair.

“Time.” He said, causing Lily to look up at him. “I need time. And a fag.” He stood from his seat and took his tin of cigarettes and lighter from his jean pockets before making his way into the corridor. He paused briefly in the doorway, debating whether he should say anything else, before continuing into an empty bathroom in the next carriage.

He lit one of his cigarettes, opening the window as far as it would go and smoked it down to its filter, relishing in the way is burnt - the rush of nicotine to his head making him feel lighter. He lit the next one, barely aware of the smell it would leave on his robes as he recounted the events that led him here.

He thought about his father, and the hate he had for Remus after Hope’s funeral, her death caused by Remus and not stopped by Lyall. He thought about the moon just a few days ago, and how his father unlocked the door and left him there - writhing and crying in pain - after one of the worst transformations of his life. But the rage-fuelled recollection always led him to the same thing.

How could his father hate him for something that wasn’t Remus’ fault, but rather, his own? Wasn’t he the reason Greyback attacked him in the first place?

Remus could feel the anger rising in him. It had been there all summer, from the first full-moon, through the weeks spent on a speed high, to the constant ache of the last few days when he had needed to find his own way to London. From Wales. With no money. Because there was no way in hell he would give his father the satisfaction of denying him.

He hadn’t even been school shopping. He didn’t want questions. But he needed Hogwarts.

The fact that his father had tried to take that away from him pissed him off, but for the last two months when he felt like this he could find release. There were men, and women, and his fists. And the drugs - though they were usually present with all three.

But right now, in the toilet of the Hogwarts Express, he couldn’t use any of these things.

And that was enough to make him want to explode.

He opened the door, with enough force to rattle its hinges, making his way down the corridor before stopping short at a compartment with its door slightly open.

There were distressed tones, and laughter. Laughter filled with the familiar pureblood, Slytherin arrogance Remus Lupin had become well-accustomed to in the last five years. He waged an internal battle in his head.

On one hand, he knew this would not end well for him and he would almost definitely regret anything he was about to do if went through with it. But. He was just so angry, and he would have a premise to back up retaliation, it was clear there was someone terrorising younger students, and it was his duty as a prefect to help.

He was walking into the compartment before he’d really had a chance to decide.

His mouth curled at the distaste the passengers brought him. Because Regulus Black, Severus Snape, and the two Carrow Twins were standing above two second year hufflepuffs - both of whom seem to be sporting new boil-covered faces. On closer inspection Remus could clearly see the word ‘mudblood’ spelled by the angry spots. 

“Snivellus, you really have regressed.” Remus mused, causing the five Slytherins to whip their heads around to face him. Snape lost the look of menace he’d had as he looked at the Gryffindor prefect and became so livid, the vein in his forehead was practically bulging. Remus wanted to crown him.

“Come to apologise for the embarrassments you call friends, have you Lupin?”

“I’m sure whatever they did was well justified, would you like to fill me in or shall I go ask them about the new insults you learnt over summer?” 

“Well I was just talking to your pet dog about what it’s like to have no family.” He replied, a sly smirk directed at Regulus - who looked away and down at his feet.

“A topic of conversation you can finally relate to then? Nice to see you two getting along finally.”

“Can’t say the same about you though, not still mooning over him are you?” Remus winced at his choice of words, knowing full well that Severus knew nothing of his condition. Regulus raised his head quickly towards Remus, sending him a disapproving glare. Remus stared back. “Or does he find those scars too off putting? Though that would surprise me. It would imply he has taste. And isn’t a fag.” Strike one, Remus counts internally.

Remus’ jaw tensed. He could retaliate, but probably not the best grounds of violence. He doesn’t particularly want the Hogwarts populus getting ideas about his or Sirius’ sexuality - though it’s not like there weren’t people who did know. That ravenclaw beater and fifth year hufflepuff definitely had some ideas. But Sirius is dramatic, and Remus doesn’t know how he’d react. He isn’t sure he wants to.

“I mean, Severus, you can carry on talking about these unfounded and frankly pathetic stories, but I’m honestly more concerned about you.” He paused, taking in the confused glances between the twins before smiling mock-caringly. “How are you doing, you know, with the whole unrequited love situation?”

“What are you-”

“Make sure he’s okay,” he says to Amycus Carrow, who was still wearing such a bewildered look that Remus struggled not to laugh. “Especially in potions. He might get a little distracted by a certain redhead. Who, unfortunately for you, isn’t very attracted to pretentious blood maniacs.”

The crimson glow that had been building on the Slytherin’s face seemed to have reached breaking point. The shouts seemed to be the explosion. “I don’t know who you think you’re talking to Lupin, but you must be deluded to think that I-” But the patronising understanding nods coming from the Gryffindor seemed to aggravate him further, precisely what Remus was trying to do of course. 

“You think I care at all about that piece of vermin!” Strike two. “The fact that you could possibly think I would associate with that out of anything but absolute pity is absurd. Merlin, being around those blood-traitors has you unhinged. We should just start calling you Loony Lupin, it does seem fitting.” Wand or fist? “There always has been something particularly queer about you, but this really does take the lead. Insinuating that I would associate with a mudbl-” Strike three.

And Remus saw red.

He doesn’t remember much. His memory gave him only flashes. His fist colliding with a face and a jaw and a stomach. A foot in his side and on his face. And blood, he remembers the blood. Him covered in open wounds while his mother died in front of him, clutching her chest. The light dying from her eyes as her face paled.

Then there were hands on his face, his mother’s- no. Lily’s. Lily’s hands on his face. He was on the train. To school. He wasn’t in Wales, Lyall couldn’t touch him. Hope had died two months ago.

So why was there blood? Snape, but he didn’t know whose blood was whose.

“Remus?”

His face hurt, and he was pretty sure he could feel cracked ribs, or bruised. Probably just bruised.

“Remus, can you hear me?”

Green eyes and red hair were coming into focus above him. He squinted, the ache in the side of his skull making the sudden intensity of the light difficult to bear. 

“I have some pepper-up in my trunk. I get travel-sick, but I think he needs it more than me.”

“That would be lovely…” “Maura Murdock” “Maura, thank you so much.”

Then Remus could feel himself being pulled into a seated position, and he was conscious enough to not choke on the familiar potion going down his throat.

It took a few moments but he began to feel his head clear and he found himself much more aware of his surroundings. 

“You stupid git, what were you thinking?” He groaned, leaning into the warm embrace he was being pulled into. 

“He was defending us. I think.” Spoke Maura, who Remus now recognised as one of the two Hufflepuffs he found in the carriage of Slytherins. Someone had apparently made their faces boil-less. He nodded his assent but was stopped by Lily’s scoff.

“Okay Remus. I heard him though, you don’t need to fight my battles for me.”

“Was angry.” He muttered.

“But you didn’t need to be Re.” He could feel her hand in his hair and he melted into the gentle touch.

“I’m always angry, Lily.” He croaked. “I’m so mad all the time.” He felt Lily stiffen before she addressed the two Hufflepuffs.

“Could you, er, give us a minute please?”

“Yeah sure, our friends are in the next carriage anyway.”

Lily waited until the door was closed again before turning to look at Remus. “What is this about, love?”

He looked up at her and all his previous resolve melted from him. He felt the tears build up in his eyes. Tears he hadn’t let fall since the morning his mother had died. Lily rubbed along his cheekbone and watched him, her face displaying nothing but concern for him, and he broke.

The sobs racked through his whole body and Lily pulled him into her neck. He couldn’t breathe, because his mum was dead, and his father hated him. Had left him to bleed to death. And Remus just wanted it to end: the transformations; the anger; the constant pain, all a permanent reminder of what he was and why he could never be whole. Why no one would ever care for him, not in the way Hope did.

Because she did. Endlessly. Unconditionally.

And now she was gone.

But he wasn’t alone, and Lily’s hands on his head and back was proof. And he had James and Pete. And Sirius, always Sirius. It should be enough. So why did it feel like the world was crumbling around him?

He turned his thoughts to what he knew, to what was good. Long black hair, and the arrogance of a hippogriff. Wand twirls and leather jackets. The bony, stubbornly elegant hands that unconsciously found their way onto Remus’ shoulder, or back, or arm, or hair without a second thought. And he felt himself calming, the tears slowing and becoming what he assumed was red-rimmed, puffy eyes.

“Please talk to me, Remus.” Lily breathed into his hair.

But they were interrupted by the sound of the door sliding open. “Have either of you seen- oh. Remus?” He felt Lily look up. “Moony what’s wrong, are you okay? Lily what’s happened?” Remus could feel the panic in his voice and when he opened his eyes and saw none other than Sirius Black kneeling in front of him, his hand on his face, it was all he could do to melt into the gentle touch.

“Swap,” Lily said to Sirius. “You’re probably better at this than I am.” 

After being shifted from Lily’s embrace to Sirius’, Remus breathed in and calmed himself with the familiar presence of his best friend. He let himself pretend the thumb rubbing along his jaw meant more than he knew it did, let himself forget.

“I- I can tell you what I know, and what I saw. But.” Lily didn’t seem inclined to continue and Remus realised she was waiting for him to give her permission. He sent her an infinitesimal nod and let her speak as Sirius hugged him.

“The prefects meeting had just ended and I don’t think Remus wanted to carry on the conversation we were having so he went off for a fag and I started my patrol. Everything was fine for a while and I was just chatting to Marlene and Fabian when a few first years ran up to me looking absolutely terrified- saying something about a fight.

“So me, Marl, and Fab ran back up to the front of the train and came to this carriage,” Lily said, gesturing around her. “It wasn’t fucking pretty, but I saw enough to know that Remus was a bit of a twat.”

Remus made a noise from the back of his throat, though he couldn’t decide if it was in affirmation or protest. Sirius’ hand moved down to rub circles into the small of his back.

“Anyway. Snape said some shit, about me I guess and next minute Remus had thrown himself on top of him - you broke his nose by the way, a Slytherin seventh year tried to fix it but it healed crooked - Sirius stop laughing, this is serious. But, Remus got a decent number of hits before Alecto Carrow kicked him, I think Amycus got a couple too.” Sirius’ hands stopped moving and Remus felt the intake of breath, but he let it out unused when Remus pushed his face into his neck.

“And then you kind of went rigid,” Lily stammered after a moment of deliberation. “I mean you just froze while they were going at you.

“I don’t really know how to describe it, but it had become three on one at this point and Remus just wasn’t reacting at all. This is the point when everyone reacted. Fab and Marl went for the Carrows, stupefied them I think. And Regulus pulled Snape away-”

“Reg was there? He pulled Snape away. Are you sure?”

“Yes, Sirius. Regulus pulled Snape away and I went to go help Remus. The Slytherins were dragged away and the two Hufflepuffs that Re was trying to help gave me some pepperup.” Lily stopped, looking at Remus with a trace of unidentifiable emotion in her face. “And then.”

The mood had shifted in the cramped compartment. Sirius had seemed to realise he was missing something.

“No.” Remus sat up, speaking resolutely.

“Remus if you won’t tell me at least tell him.”

“Lily, I am fine, stop it.”

Remus saw her gaze flick to Sirius, and felt the panic he had forced down surge back up.

“He flinched. Sirius when I tried to touch him he flinched. He has never, not once backed away from touch. You know that probably better than I do. And don’t give me any bullshit about it being your scars, I see you after every moon-”

“She knows?” Sirius questioned in a stressed voice, turning to Remus for the first time since he’d sat up. “How does she- fuck Moony your face.” He reached out to touch the taller boy’s cheek, where Remus assumed a bruise was starting to form.

“Sirius, not the point. Look Remus, we only want to help you - did someone hurt you?”

“No, of course not.” Remus exclaimed, entirely too quickly to sound at all convincing.

Lily seemed reluctant to say what she wanted to say. “Lily, what? You obviously want to say something and we all know you have no filter. Just spit it out.”

“You-” She paused, looking up at him again. “You were saying something before you woke up. After the Slytherins left.”

He blanched and swallowed. “Wha- What did I say?” He croaked, grimacing.

“I think you thought I was your mum. You said ‘mum, please come back. I don’t want him to hurt me anymore. I’m so sor-.’” But Remus didn’t let her finish. He stood up briskly and left the two sixth years sitting on the floor of the compartment without so much as a look back.

There was a few minutes silence before either of them spoke.

“So. You know?” Sirius asked, still looking down at his feet.

Lily gave him an exasperated look worthy of Professor Mcgonnogal. “I’ve known since second year, he freaked when I told him though.”

Sirius let out a breath through his nose. “Yeah he has a habit of doing that. I figured it out in October of first year and stayed over christmas break to tell him but when I got around to it, he ran - just like now actually - and he slept in the shack for three days before I found him in the hospital wing on New Year’s Day.

“He was so scared, Evans. He was absolutely convinced I hated him, I needed to force feed him a chocolate frog to get him to shut the fuck for long enough to remind him he’s one of my best friends. But,” Sirius looked up at Lily with a worried expression she didn’t think she’d seen on him before. “This is different though, I do think it has something to do with his scars.”

“But he-”

“No, Pete said something after you left with him. Apparently the scars he has on his stomach are worse than they’ve ever been, like not healed. And now he’s flinching and telling someone not to hurt him again.”

“And having breakdowns on the train. Sirius, he would have killed Severus if they hadn’t got him off him, and before you came in he told me he’s always angry then proceeded to cry for like fifteen minutes.”

Sirius’ eyes widened at this. “Remus? Cry? Evans, I have shared a dorm with him for five years and the only time I’ve seen him cry is from laughing when me, prongs and wormtail got fifty points taken each for turning Minnie’s hair pink in transfiguration.”

“As you should have.” Lily muttered under her breath.

“It was Moony!” Sirius cried. “But never - not once - have I seen him cry for anything else.” Sirius felt nauseous, he was used to worrying about Remus but this wasn’t his Moony.

“He’s going to be mad at me for a while for telling you Sirius. And you’ll have more chance getting anything out of him, you’ve always meant so much to him.”

“He’s a marauder, that’s what we do.”

He saw Lily raise her eyebrows slightly before she continued carefully. “But I think you should keep this between us for a while. He wouldn’t tell me, and he tells me everything-”

“He tells us everything too.”

“No. No, I don’t think he does Sirius. Keep an eye on him okay, I have to carry on my patrol and I don’t think Remus will be giving me any assistance.” She stood up and made her way to the door.

“Is he going to be okay, Lily?”

She paused. That was the first time he’d called her Lily in five years. 

“I don’t know. Look after him, he needs you more than you know.” She turned away and Sirius tried to ignore the tightening in his chest at her words. Before he got up and made his way back down to his own carriage.


	2. Now somebody is asking when you will disappear

None of the boys saw Remus after the incident on the train. He’d missed the sorting, and the feast, and he hadn’t shown the first years up the Gryffindor common room.

Sirius had gone from worried, to slightly pissed, to really fucking worried again. 

After the three boys had finished their food they had walked slowly upstairs deliberating where the fourth had gone.

“The hospital wing. I will literally bet you five galleons that he was with Madame Pomfrey this entire time.” Peter was saying heatedly to James.

“Nah mate, he would have told us if he went to see Poppy but he didn’t come back the entire journey and he usually sleeps on the train so I reckon he’s gone for a nap in the dorm.”

“Five galleons?”

“Fuck, alright then.” Whilst they were shaking on it, Sirius was looking along all the corridors they passed, praying to Merlin and Circe and anyone who he thought could help that either James or Peter were right. And, at least if they weren’t, they’d be able to check the map - finished only last year and sitting patiently on top of a stack of books in James’ trunk.

“Mr Potter.” A stern voice called from behind them - drawing them all out of their current vices. They stopped and Sirius watched James turn on the spot with a disgruntled and panicked face.

“Hello darling Minnie, I promise it wasn’t me.” He says hastily.

“Yes, Potter, I understand that our conversations centre mostly on your immaturity. But I have some other issues to talk to you about, so if you could follow me to my office that would be lovely.” James nodded silently, following Professor Mcgonagall back down the passage and looking at the other two with a pained expression.

“Ah- Professor?” Sirius called quickly.

She turned, looking slightly irritated with the interruption. “What can I do for you Mr Black?”

He grimaced at the name but continued anyway, “Yeah, I- Do you know where Remus is? It’s just, we haven’t seen him since we were on the train and you know he doesn’t like to miss the feasts. Have you seen hi-”

“I have already spoken with Mr Lupin, yes, he should be in your dormitory. Where you two will be going immediately.” She continued, raising her eyes pointedly at the two boys.

Feeling as though a large weight had been lifted off his chest, Sirius gave her his familiar smile and turned, dragging Peter dramatically up the stairs to the North Tower.

***

“Take a seat Mr Potter.” Professor sighed, taking a seat behind her and watched the tall boy glance nervously around before following suit.

“Professor? Why am I here? I really don’t think I did anything. I mean we were going to but then Re-” James stopped when she held a hand up and sighed.

“I needed to talk to you prior to the events that occurred today but a few things have changed since then and- oh that isn’t what’s important. Okay James, you have been an extraordinary asset to Gryffindor’s Quidditch team since you were in your second year and have helped my house win no less than three house cups. And, as you know, Benjy Fenwick graduated last year and has joined the Chudley Cannon’s reserve team and so Gryffindor is left without a captain.”

“Merlin, he kept that quiet didn’t he. But, if you’re asking me for advice you could have just said so Minnie. I’m going to have to say Caradoc. He’s an excellent beater and he’s older so people will listen to hi-”

“My Potter, if you please.” She let out an exasperated breath before looking back up at the sixth year, who was leaning on her desk with a confused smile. “As much as I appreciate that advice, I’m sure you’ll agree that it would be foolish of me to appoint a seventh year as captain as talented as he is of a player. 

“It pains me to say this, and although you drive me up the wall, I’m hoping you’ll be able to earn a sense of responsibility.” James’ eyes had widened and Mcgonagall paused, waiting to see if he’d made the connection.

“Me? Professor are you talking about me? Holy shit Minnie you will not be disappointed-” “Language, Mr Potter.” “Sorry, sorry but I- Professor thank you so much. Can I go now? I need to tell my mates. Merlin I never thought-” He broke off, looking dazed. Minerva couldn’t help but smile at his excitement.

“No, not yet. There actually is something else I need to talk to you about, and I understand if it seems like too much for this year but the faculty agree that it may be a good opportunity for you.” 

James once again looked confused.

“As I’m sure you already know, there was an incident on the train this morning.” 

The boy shook his head, eyes squinting as if trying to remember. “I’m sorry Professor, I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. What d’ya mean incident? Was someone hurt?”

“I’m sorry, Mr Potter, when did you say the last time you saw Mr Lupin was?”

“Just before Lily came and got him for the prefect meeting at like eleven thirty. Why, is he okay?”

“I- Well, I’m sure he will talk to you in his own time. But no Mr Potter, I would like to offer you Gryffindor’s prefect position.” 

James stood so fast from his seat it fell back onto the floor. “Pardon! Okay no, are you having me on? What I’m hearing is that something happened with Moony and now you’re offering me his badge. Is he gone? Minnie what’s happening?”

“Please take a seat Mr Potter. Thank you. No I am not ‘having you on’ and no Remus is still a student at this school if that’s what you’re asking. But he is no longer a prefect, no.” She put up a hand in warning, and James shut his mouth on whatever he was going to say. “Professor Slughorn has insisted we take action for events that occurred today and I have to say, Mr Potter, that I am not so sure I disagree.”

“Are you really not going to tell me what happened?”

“I, myself, am not fully aware of what actually happened, but there was an altercation between Mr Lupin and multiple Slytherin students that left two quite seriously injured. And there were witnesses who all claim that Remus did start the fight.”

“But, Professor! You know Remus, and you know that he likes sticking to the rules. He’s worried he’s going to get kicked out about his furry little problem-” “His what?” “Oh you know what I’m talking about,” James said, waving his hand dismissively. “But the point is, for Remus to have started an actual, physical fight with anyone other than me or Sirius is telling enough that someone egged him on. I mean, who were the Slytherins anyway? I will bet my life it was Snape. Look me in the face right now and tell me Sniv-”

“Mr Potter!” Warned Professor Mcgonagall.

“I’m sorry ma’am, I honestly mean no disrespect but you have to see where I’m coming from.”

“I understand, James, I do. But there is nothing I can do about this except offer you the position.”

“I can’t Professor, do you not see what that would say of me as Moony’s best friend? He was so excited when he got that badge last summer, it would be so shitty of me to say yes without him even having spoken to us about what happened yet.”

“That is very noble James, but we do need another prefect and it’s not possible that Mr Lupin can be reinstated.”

“I’m sorry Professor. But it’s a no.” He said impassively. “I appreciate the role of Captain very much and look forward to try-outs. And sure, I’m sure I’d love to be a prefect but Remus is more important to me than a badge and some extra power. Goodnight Professor, I will see you in Transfiguration.” 

James stood from his chair and left the room without another word. Leaving the stunned Professor in silence.

It was almost two minutes later when her office door was pushed open again and the very same James Potter reentered, rushing into the chair opposite her.

She raised two surprised eyebrows at him as he regained his breath.

“Mr Potter.” He said between gasps.

“I beg your pardon?” She questioned.

“If you have to use a title, call him Mr Potter.” James sat up a little straighter, looking up at his head of year proudly.

“I’m sure I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“Sirius. He is no longer a Black, and he’s been living with me for almost two months. He is my brother and so please refer to him as Sirius or Mr Potter. He cares for your opinion very much Professor - don’t tell him I said that - and I just- He’s been through so much and I don’t think he needs the constant reminder. Please.”

“James, is this something I need to talk to him about?”

“No, no. If he needs help he’ll come to you, or my parents, or us. But he’s in an…alright place at the moment and I think the separation would be good for him. Anyway, I’m going back to being mad. I’ll see you on Monday. Goodbye again.”

And with that, he was gone.

***

Pete was nervous. 

Peter Pettigrew didn’t get nervous. That wasn’t his role in this group of friends. He fed the other marauders when they were anxious about exams or if they’d be able to pull off a prank, and he took pride in making one of them smile with quiet comments under his breath that complimented the snacks from the kitchen perfectly.

Because he was a people please, and making people happy was his thing, and he did it exceptionally well. Anybody who knew him would agree. Anyone who didn’t would say he was a follower, who worshipped Sirius and James - a laughable accusation really. It worked in the marauders’ favour though, nobody expected Peter’s competency from a ‘follower’ and to pull what they had pulled off in the last five years - they’d needed his subtlety.

And it was always easier to be the calm one in stressful situations. It would prevent Sirius’ anger going too far. And stop Remus ignoring them for a week. Or James from snapping at one of the others and moping out of guilt for a few days. 

But whatever was going on today made him tense. And being tense made him nervous. Because he had good intuition - his spirit animal was a rat. 

Which is why he knew something was wrong.

After he and Sirius had left James with Mcgonagall and made their way upstairs, with Sirius excitedly ranting about how Remus would help with their prank problem and they could pull it off tomorrow night, they found the room void of anything except their luggage.

Sirius had immediately begun to dig through James’ trunk for the map. But it wasn’t there.

And so now he was pacing.

And Peter was nervous, because Sirius knew something and something happened to Remus over summer. So, logically, it made sense that the two were connected. The other boy had left the train carriage to find Remus - much to the amusement of he and James - in a good mood and returned almost half an hour later like this. Jumpy and worried.

There was little Peter cared about more than his friends, but nothing had ever felt this wrong before and he didn’t think a visit to the house elves in the kitchens would help. So his ability to help was limited.

Plus. Remus has always been better at calming Sirius anyway.

“What if he’s fucking hurt Pete?” Sirius stressed.

“Padfoot stop. Look at me, seriously.” After a moment of deliberation, the older boy made his way to where Peter was leaning on one of the posts of his bed and looked at him with an expression so close to tears that Pete almost froze. “Think about this, Remus was conscientious enough to come up here and take the map from James’ trunk. If he was severely injured he would not have been able to do that.”

“Yeah but-”

“I’m not disagreeing that something isn’t wrong. I noticed something was up the moment we got onto the train and you obviously know something else or you wouldn’t worry like this but us two are shit at thinking things through carefully. So stop. Put this on pause, at least until James comes back and then we can talk about it. Calmly.” 

Sirius moved to sit on the edge of Pete’s bed, putting his head in his hands and breathing out a winded sigh. “I know, I’m sorry.”

The smaller boy moved to sit next to Sirius, patting his back. But the two boys were jolted a moment later at the sound of the dormitory door slamming open.

“Where the fuck is he?” James entered the room, in what could only be described as an angry fashion, though neither of the boys could recall seeing this mood on him before. The taller boy stopped,looking around the dorm before going over to Remus’ bed and opening the curtains surrounding the four-poster dramatically. When this didn’t seem to locate him he turned around to face the other two. “Have either of you seen him, me and Moony need to have a fucking chat.”

“What the fuck Prongs?” Peter said after a moment’s silence.

“Remus. I just had a delightful conversation with Mcgonagall and need some clarification.” He turned, heading for his trunk whilst still muttering in the same distressed manner he came into the room with. “I know Moony is a shithead to us but he stays away from Slytherins, and where the fuck is the map!”

“The asshole’s taken it.” Sirius clarified.

James turned, “shit, okay. Sirius, calm down Merlin.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“I can see the panic coming off you in waves, Moony will be fine, he is probably almost definitely avoiding what will be an awkward conversation with us.”

Sirius froze before nodding and standing. Peter didn’t resent the immediate effect James had on him, sometimes he needed a firmer hand than Pete was capable of giving him. 

Peter reckoned Sirius Black had some kind of problem with authority.

“In other news,” James continued, much of the room’s tension dissolving with just three words. “Minnie told me something very interesting.” This earned him confused glances to the other two, to which he returned an arrogant smirk.

“After doting on her endless love for me, and my exceptional abilities in all aspects of my life-”

“Yes, Prongs.”

“Well, you two are now looking at Gryfindor’s new Quidditch captain.”

“Fuck off,” Sirius argued. At James' smile, Sirius launched himself at the other. “You prat, I’m so proud of you.”

“Well done, mate.” Pete walked over to give James a punch on the shoulder before heading to the door. “I’m going to the kitchens. Hot chocolates?”

“Oh wormtail, you know us so well.”

***

Remus couldn’t really see how the events of the day led him to getting off with Caradoc Dearborn in the empty charms classroom, but what was he supposed to do? Complain?

“You know Remus,” Caradoc was saying, snatching the other’s lit joint and taking a drag. “We should definitely do this more often.”

Remus glanced over at the seventh year, who was still only wearing his trousers and found himself staring at the way the older boy’s muscles looked in the dim moon-washed light of the room. He smirked to himself when Caradoc put the cigarette back in his mouth and moved closer to kiss down the side of his neck.

“But,” he whispered against Remus’ jaw. “I’d really like both of us naked next time. You know I can feel those piercings through your robes you stud.” Punctuating his remark with a bite on his earlobe. A noise escaped Remus’ throat before he even had time to identify it and felt the other boy chuckle into his ear. 

“Oh sweetheart, after two years you’d think you’d give up.”

“I could say the same about you, darling.” Remus leant into the kisses on his neck before voicing his confusion.

“What d’you mean.” He mumbled, turning to kiss Caradoc properly. It was always a battle between them, neither relented to the others’ rough lips and teeth until the air ran low in their chests.

With his forehead resting against Remus’, the other boy replied, “Come off it you ass. I’m talking about how much you still love Black.” Remus could do no more than roll his eyes, he’d tried to deny this fact to Caradoc countless times before. “And you know I love our little...arrangement but it’s getting painful to see you mope and well, we would never work.”

Remus snorted and moved to pick the other boy’s shirt and robe up from where they had been haphazardly thrown over the edge of Flitwick’s desk. He handed them to the smiling boy, who put them on without complaint.

Once they had both made themselves decent, Caradoc kissed Remus briefly before heading towards the door. He opened it the same time it was pushed from the other side. He heard Lily's soft apology before he saw her.

“Tell her she can fuck right off.” Remus called to Caradoc, feeling the betrayal and anger he had worked off rise quickly again in his chest.

“He says you can fu- oi!” He stops as Lily pushes her way past him through the door. “Hey, I’ll see you later Rem.” 

“Later.” Remus grumbled.

“I thought you weren’t seeing him again?” Lily accused as she came to stand in front of the boy.

“You know what Lily, you need to stay the fuck out of my business. Is your life seriously not interesting enough that you have to get involved in mine every five minutes. I can’t even get off with you breathing down my neck.” 

“I care about you Remus-”

“Oh, I’m sure you do. I am fine and you told Sirius that I’m not, and now he’s probably telling James and Pete and they’re going to be worried for nothing.” He began moving past her towards the door but she put an arm out to stop him. Once again, Remus couldn’t seem to control the full body flinch.

“Bullshit! You’re pissed at people for loving you and making sure you’re okay when you quite obviously are not.” She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “You know I only want to help Re.”

He shook his head, letting out a stuttering breath. “You can’t help me Lily.” He whispered before leaving the room and making his way towards the North Tower.

He could only put the inevitable off for so long, and he’d already had such a long day.

Once he’d made it to the boys’ dormitories, he hesitated, leaning his forehead onto the door and taking a breath. Sometimes, he thought to himself, his friends could be incredibly overbearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for how short this chapter is, this week has been much busier than I thought it'd be 
> 
> comments fuel me ily all

**Author's Note:**

> find me on twitter at @lycanthropicgay and talk to me about my fic and all things absolutely gay, or to teach me how to embed my twitter link into this notes box :)


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